The Weight of My First Post

It has taken me a little over a week to write my first post. I was waiting for something worth writing about. Well, I feel like I've found that this week.

2 months ago, I decided to hire a fitness coach. I've been lifting and doing cardio pretty consistently since February of this year. From February to the end of September, I had dropped from around 135lbs to about 125lbs. From a tight size 6 to a comfortable size 4. Most would laugh at this. "Why is she complaining about this?! I would love to be at that weight/size!" I'm 5'1", or 5'1 1/2" on a good day, so to have the athletic physique that I want, I need to be under or around 120lbs with lean muscle mass.

Since hiring my coach, I am now weighing around 120lbs and my pants look like I've taken a crap in them, leaving me with a baggy booty problem, and that's first thing in the morning! I've avoided buying new work pants, because, well, I'd rather spend money on cute workout clothes and finding pants that would fit my legs AND my waist is about as frustrating as bra shopping. However, this weekend we happened to be in Orlando and I found an outlet strip. I bit the bullet and finally bought a few pairs. This is the part I'm still freaking out about... I first grabbed a size 4, thinking "This is a different brand and I'm shopping in the petites, so maybe they run smaller". I was able to ball up my fist and put my entire fist in the space between my waist and the fabric! I then went for the size 2. When they were on, no fist action happened, but they were pretty baggy and I knew they would be falling off on their own by the end of the day. I went and grabbed a size 0. At this point, I'm starting to freak out. There's no excitement happening really, just freaking out/anxiety happening. What happened? They fit. I haven't been a size 0 in over 13 years! And back then, I wasn't lifting the weight I am now or eating the amount I'm eating now, I was just not eating anything at all really.

So here's the disheartening part. When I returned to the hotel from shopping, I happened to glance at a mirror that was set in the entry way. My thought? I looked fat. In that moment I stopped and mentally scolded myself. I just bought pants in a size 0, something I never really thought I would do during my adult life, how in the world could I think I am fat?! I guess this is where I have found my knew lesson. Self love, respect and conquering body image issues. I need to find a place that is healthy mentally and learn to love my body and all the hard work I've put into it. The road I'm on now is going to be an experience of it's own. One that will be filled with critics and I need to know how to appreciate and love myself before I allow anyone to try and break me down.